I am so excited for Rowan that it usually makes my heart hurt. I am so excited that it gives me anxiety. This little voice in the back of my head calls me a fool and tells me to chill out on the excitement because you still have four months to go. I'm so excited … Continue reading Rowan.
I don't want to compare pregnancies but with each appointment making the idea more concrete in my head it's hard not to reflect on what feels different this time around. I loved/love Benjamin. Don't ever doubt that. But with Benjamin I was more worried about myself. You can see that from my last blog post … Continue reading i love you.
As I sit down to write my January blog, I realize that it must be obvious I have been procrastinating, as it is the last day of January. It has been really hard deciphering my thoughts these past couple of months. I've been busy mentally to say the least. Besides coming to terms with having … Continue reading 29.
one year. wow. as i sit here and reflect, i keep interrupting my own thoughts. this isn't a year that i want to reflect on. a year ago in my desperation i didn't know where i'd be a year down the road what i did know is that i would be better. i knew that … Continue reading 1.
It happened. Around eight months into our journey we found out a family friend had lost their baby. My bodies initial reaction was to cry and feel sick to my stomach. My thoughts went straight to guilt because I thought I had wanted someone who knew what I was feeling but as soon as we … Continue reading the next step in our journey.
you buy a house, with plans to make it a home. maybe it has 3, 4, 5 bedrooms. you check that off your list. you start to picture the future. you remember your room as a child and everything your parents provided for you. you imagine providing for someone in the same way. & that's … Continue reading empty rooms.
Summer is my favorite season. I am actually pretty bitter that it is already the first week of Fall. Not that we even get many seasonal days here in California. I mean, I do love pumpkin flavored everything and cozy socks, but I'll miss my tan lines and the pool days more. & honestly who … Continue reading the summer without Benjamin.
Most people will tell you the best day of their life was the day their kid was born. For me the day our baby was born was the worst day of my life... maybe that further puts my life into perspective for you. Seems like a morbid way to start a blog post, but hey … Continue reading it’s a boy.
the little moments. little holidays. valentines day. easter. the first day of summer. mothers day. fathers day. fourth of july. the fourth of fucking july. What does a dead baby have to do with independence day? And why am I still writing about a dead baby? Well, I thought I'd slip through the crack of … Continue reading here i am.
Six months. A half of one year. 182 days. The worst of my life. When I reread my previous posts, I notice that I keep mentioning making it to the other side. What six months has taught me is there is no "other side". I don't think there will ever be an "other side" to … Continue reading check on your “strong friend”.