I am embarrassed to realize that it has actually been a whole year since my last blog post. I had many posts drafted in my head and the note section of my phone. Anytime I came up with something I deemed worthy of sharing with my small following I would start to write it out but everything failed to make it to fruition. Somehow, none of those things seemed important enough to write about in entirety. Call it writers block, call it life happening or maybe I was just being lazy. I think it might finally be time to complete some of those drafts.
I could have easily taken this blog into a different direction after becoming an earth side mother. I always knew there was one thing I didn’t want this blog to become after having a live birth, which is a cliché bullshit one with, “tips & tricks”, “do’s & don’ts”, “10 best baby food recipes”, “3 things to pack on every outing with your new baby”. Don’t get me wrong, we mothers need those posts in our lives for late night worries and also in preparation for our first flight across the US with a 10 month old baby. But in all honesty, that ain’t my style. I wanted to continue to share the real honest truth about motherhood, the world around us and how things stack up for the grieving souls that walk amongst the oblivious, almost undetected. Somehow, I just couldn’t find it in me to gather those thoughts together this past year.
I spent the last year growing as we do each year. I spent the last year enjoying the big and small moments of motherhood and life in general. I rode the waves of changes that the new role of motherhood brought in my life. Often times it felt like I was on a boogie board rather than a finely sculpted surfboard. In some ways I needed a break from sharing my thoughts. My mind has been a complete scrambled mess. A child takes up a lot of space in your brain. We’re only ever fed the notion of how much space they take up in our hearts but let me tell you, it is just as hard on your mind.
Rowan has been the biggest joy in my life this past year. As if I needed to even make that point. A lot of people will say that a new baby after a loss doesn’t mend your broken heart… People mostly say it doesn’t just fix everything. In part, that is true. Really though, a new baby can at least help you learn to love again, learn to enjoy life and most importantly show you how important it is to keep moving forward. A new baby can make you happy again. I have experienced this for myself. I have even seen it this year with multiple friends who experienced a loss and then went on to have a new baby. It’s a weird magic, a new life, bringing you back to life.
My most favorite part of the past year though, was how much I saw and felt Benjamin all around us. He hasn’t been forgotten.
He’s the butterfly that often joins us on our walks and in the backyard at the new flowered bushes. He is the person I meet named Benjamin at the most strange times. He’s been the kind stranger who asks if Rowan is my first or my only child, because he wants us to always remembers she’s not and she never will be. He’s the metal heart filled with ashes that rests on Rowan’s tallest shelf, that we point at and say that’s Benny. He’s still the reason we’ve put out an ofrenda during Dia De Los Muertos for the past 3 years. He’s the anxiety I get when I see someone on my social media feed get to 30 weeks pregnant and beyond, crossing my fingers that they get to see the whole thing through. He’s the one that pushes me to reach out to the friend of a friend or distant acquaintance who experiences a loss even though I know there is almost nothing I can do for her. And he will forever be the point in our life time line, where I either say, “Oh that was before I was pregnant with Ben”, “Oh that was when I was pregnant with Benj”, “Oh yeah that was after we lost Benjamin”. His life is my easiest gauge of what point in our lives we were at. He is the one and only reason that even on my hardest days with Rowan, I am able to take a deep breathe and appreciate the chaos and woes of my new role in motherhood. He’s my strength that regenerates my patience when I almost forget how bad I longed for these tiring moments 3 years ago.
Benjamin’s been there for me this past year in more ways than I have even realized. I ended my last post a year ago wondering if Rowan would even exist without our angel Benjamin. As I’ve taken the year to reflect, I now know it to be true. Rowan wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Benjamin. I also know that I wouldn’t be the mom I am today if it hadn’t been for Benjamin. I wouldn’t have this unfillable, empty space in my heart, that pushes me to do more, to be more, for Rowan. Without Benjamin I wouldn’t be able to appreciate ALL the moments of motherhood. Good, bad and ugly. Thanks to Benjamin I won’t take a single moment with Rowan for granted because I remember those first days after losing him, the yearning for these moments, the raw grief, the promises I made to the universe, how bad I wanted this chance to be a “real” mother. As the third year without Benjamin comes to a close, it all starts to line up and my grieving heart begins to transform into a grateful heart.
I’m back bitches.