I don’t want to compare pregnancies but with each appointment making the idea more concrete in my head it’s hard not to reflect on what feels different this time around.
I loved/love Benjamin. Don’t ever doubt that. But with Benjamin I was more worried about myself. You can see that from my last blog post before I lost him, go hug your mama or baby mama.
I was still so selfish and I didn’t even realize it. Looking back on what I had wrote makes me feel so many negative emotions toward myself. You live and you learn. In my case, the hard way.
With this pregnancy it’s different. Through the tough symptoms and mental/physical exhaustion, the only thing that is worrying me is the well being of our baby. All I can think about is how much I love this baby already. With this pregnancy I know I am ready to be a mom. I know I am going to be a good mom. I am ready and I am anxiously waiting to welcome this child. There is no second guessing anything here. Benjamin is getting a little sister and we are in this wholeheartedly, we are ready.
Are we scared as hell? Yes. But for different reasons. The reasons, I am sure you can imagine. What will it be like when I start to feel her move? Will it be exciting or nerve wracking? Will I be able to control my anxiety? Will we make it to the next appointment? Will the 20 week anatomy scan go well? Will we make it to 30 weeks again? Will we make it beyond that? Will we have a living child this time? Will we get a happy ending or will the cracks in our heart from Benjamin bust back open? There is no certainty. Anything can happen at this point. I am well versed in that.
Right now I am trying to live in the present knowing baby girl has made it to 17 weeks. Baby steps. Day by day. She is the size of a pop tart. As days pass, I start to feel more and more flutters. I find myself cheering her on. You got this! Keep on moving in there my love. Mommy and Daddy love you with everything we have left. We need you to keep growing.