i have to start this off by acknowledging the fact that it has been 2 years now since we first began to try and start a family. i think it is important to acknowledge because people don’t realize how long this journey has actually taken us and we are still not even at the end of it. the fact that it calculates to years and not just months or days blows my mind. i thought i was going to have my first child at 27 and yet here i am at 29 with still no living offspring. if i’m lucky i’ll have my first child before my milestone 30th birthday.
we did it. we’re back at square one. now we patiently wait for august 25th.
the emotions have been interesting. the “morning sickness” or what i deemed last time as the first trimester hang over has been in full swing. the headaches, extreme hunger and exhaustion are back. frequent pees and the need for carbs rather than vegetables has arrived. the fears and doubts creep in, but the will to manifest a positive outcome persist. the excitement is not lost. a new flower blooms. new life is forming inside of me.
if this happens, if this truly makes it to term… it will be the happiest day of our life. i can see it and i can feel it.
as the number of weeks increase it leads to telling more people and deciding if we will ever really announce. at this point probably not. we’ve been telling people in person as we see them. the decision mostly comes from fear. fear of letting the world know again that we are excited when it feels silly to be excited because of the outcome of Benjamin’s life. because we know how fast this can all be taken away. on the other side, the decision also comes from a place of not wanting or feeling the need to flaunt this in front of all the women i know who are still struggling to conceive life. there is still a ping of pain when i see the birth announcements and the newborn welcome to the world pictures from friends and acquaintances.
if you’re reading this it is because you care at least a little bit about our life’s journey and for that you deserve to know where we’re at in it all.
i am at the point where encounters are starting to happen. i had my first proud mama moment while at the lab getting blood work done. i have to share it here because i can’t just go around screaming at the top of my lungs to who ever will listen that i was brave in a moment of unknown territory.
the lab worker was so excited for me, she wanted to know what baby number this was. i paused, i had that moment for the first time that i’ve read about many time in other peoples blogs… do i dare say it? do i ruin this poor girl’s day? do i make it awkward? maybe she will just asked this simple question and then move on, without prying any further.
so, i take a deep breathe, i’ve decided Benjamin gets to matter all the time, not just when it is convenient for my well being. i let the lab worker know that this is baby number two for me. of course she can’t leave it at that, babies make people curious and so she continues to ask how old my other kid is. at this point i have committed and it would be a shame to lie. my other child, a son, he died, i had a stillbirth. even now, she goes on to say and ask, oh no, i am sorry how old was he? i was 30 weeks, we didn’t make it to full term.
i can’t be mad or upset. i am the one who started this. i am the one who opened the conversation. and you know what? i wasn’t mad or upset, like i said i was proud, i was brave and it felt good that the lab worker didn’t make it awkward. she wanted to know, she wanted to care and of course she wanted to share her own experience. she told me her aunt and her cousin had both been pregnant with twins and both had lost one of the babies while still pregnant.
i can’t promise that i will always be this brave but i will try for Benjamin. i will try to be brave for the other mamas and their friends/relatives out there who are apart of this awful club.
i am sure encounters like these will be plentiful in the weeks and months to come. this is only the beginning. the road ahead will be long and bumpy. that is the way i look at it if i let my optimism take over. but on some days it’s hard and i let my pessimism convince me the journey will only be short and sad, again.
in the meantime i join the long awaited PALS club and hope for the best.