I want to go back to 2017. I want to go back to innocence. I want to go back to what now seems like oblivion. Sometimes I look back at my pictures from 2017. I see a completely different person. I can feel her happiness. I can feel her excitement. She radiates with with a positive attitude That makes me jealous. Who is she? I want to be her. I see a girl living her best life. She has very little to worry about. The responsibilities are there, the adventure is there, the love is there and she has no idea what is to come. I want to go back to 2017.
In 2017 I was thriving. In the wake of 2018 I’m barely surviving. Back then I knew how to swim with the current. That girl knew how to find the good in everything. There was so much fun to be had and so many things to leave on the back burner that could be dealt with later.
The new me is scared. Nothing will ever feel like 2017. I can feel that girl tapping on the glass edges of my emotions. She wants to come back. But she can’t. She knows too much and now 2017 is apart of the past.
The past is the past. She can never get that back. She’s strong not because she wants to be. It’s because she has to be. What other option is there really? There’s no place in this world for those who can’t get over the past. The new me smiles through the worst days. The new me is drowning in sadness and doubt. The new me is bitter, resentful and dark. Who am I? I don’t want to be the new me.
I want to go back to 2017. I want to go back to knowing who I was.