To say the last 5 months have been crazy is an understatement. As I dive into my 6th month of being pregnant, things are becoming more and more like a plane going through severe turbulence with moments of relief when the plane levels out and then a peace of mind shines through the clouds because the flight only has 3 of 10 hours left… in this case 3 more months. Catch my drift?
If you had asked me earlier in the year if I was ready to take on preganancy and the likes of what it entails to become a mother, I would have said absolutely, it’s going to be tough, of course (I knew all mom’s deserved their credit), but I mean look at how many other people are doing it— Is it really going to be that hard?! Here I was again being my usual naive self. The only way a young adult who has never really had to be anything other than selfish with their own time and energy thinks.
I never realized how important having control over my own body is to me until this pregnancy. Sure I know that I have spent a lot of time and energy over the past few years ensuring I maintain a weight that I am comfortable with. For that to happen, I’ve consistently excercised and ate stricter than most people I know. I’ve never taken my health for granted… Or so I thought. I spent the first 27 years of my life with little to no health issues. I basically found that sweet little balancing spot where I could maintain my health in order to ensure smooth sailing mentally and physically.
Then I started growing another life inside of me. Now, it feels like I have lost almost all control over my body and mind.
I suffered months of nauesea, headaches, fatigue, soreness, weight gain, and other weird aches and pains. I am the heaviest I’ve been in my entire life. Not because I’ve been lazy and unhealthy in my actions. Not because I am no longer taking care of myself, I continue to do that the best I can. It happened because I made the selfless act of deciding to become a mother. Something I am only now realizing. The months have gone by and I have endured. No small feat. It has been rough and it has been long.
As I round the corner into my second trimester and beyond, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel… Then the plane hits turbulence again, throwing me into a mental, anxiety and hormonal filled storm. This is where I currently reside.
This is the side of pregnancy that often times seems taboo. This is the side of pregnancy that is less talked about. This is the side of pregnancy that came as a total shock to me. Just because some of us are lucky to be getting pregnant and because we brought this upon ourselves, doesn’t mean that we have to enjoy the complete ride or pretend like at times we aren’t second guessing our decision to begin this journey because of how tough the process continues to be. I really want to enjoy this journey but some times the anxiety that comes in waves, drowns me in its rath. I don’t really know where to begin or how to explain the emotional swirl that has been forming in my brain. One of the main reasons it has taken me so long to write about it. I can however, provide a slew of questions that have been in my brain for the past couple of months.
Why did I decide to do this? Did I make the right choice? Will the baby survive until his due date? What if he has detrimental physical or mental disabilities? What if he is born premature? What if I gain 70 lbs? What if he dies as a newborn? What if I can’t breastfeed? What if he dies when I go back to work and put him in someone else’s care? What if I don’t want to go back to work? What if I get postpartum depression and can’t come out of it? What if my life changes so drastically that I end up hating it? How will I know what to do in certain situations? Will I be a good mother? Will my husband actually be a good father? Who am I kidding becoming a mother? I need to get my own shit together. What about the dogs? Will I have time for them? Will they start to resent me? Am I preparing myself enough? Have I read enough books? Am I reading the right books? Did the baby move enough today? Did I eat enough nutrious foods today? Did I really need that Tylenol for that headache? Am I crazy? Is this symptom normal or should I be concerned? Should we vacinate? Should we not? Will I ever feel like myself again? What if we can’t afford the things he needs? How do I ask for help? How will I maintain my current routine and lifestyle? Is there more I should be doing? Am I doing enough? Am I enough to be a mother?
I mean, I could keep going but I think you get the idea. To top it all off, normally if I wasn’t pregnant and I was getting anxiety over something I could spend a weekend doing careless things, drinking, possibly smoking some weed. You know, something to take the edge off or distract my mind. I realize now, that this obviously isn’t and wasn’t the best coping mechanism– & it is no longer an option in my current state.
What scares me the most is the uncertainty of this situation. No matter how much you think you are preparing, you really have little control over what the actual outcome will be. Even if you do the best prep job and set yourself up to acheive the best outcome — things will either go terribly wrong, extremely well or maybe somewhere neatly in between. That is life, though. That is basically every situation we put ourselves in. Why should this journey be anymore scary than the others? Probably because there is ultimately something pretty special about another human life being brought into your world.
I need to find a way to trust my body, trust my own judgement and trust the universal plan that life presents me, but there is no sense in worrying before that plan gets put into play. I had the chance to talk to a couple mamas this week and I recieved real, practical advice that I am going to hit this new month head on with.
- Worry is the work of motherhood. Worrying is normal. It means you’re going to be a great mom. It means that you actually already care so much for this new babe in your life. Just don’t let it consume you. Things will work out how they are suppose to even if the road there gets bumpy.
- This is the beginning of letting go of being selfish. You don’t really realize how selfish you are until you are forced into being selfless. This is a commendable attribute. Embrace it. You’re going to become a better person for it.
November and beyond, I am ready for you. It is probably going to get crazier as things progress. That is ok. I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this.