For some reason, recently I have been stuck thinking about things in the past that I obviously can’t change. Things that obviously made me who I am. Things that obviously suck but there is no reason to be crying over spilled milk at this point in my life. Maybe it is the hormones. Going on 9 weeks with a baby still inside me. 

It all seems so obvious,  yet I am still here digging up the time I wasted on someone who didn’t deserve my time, money, energy and love. I am reliving the moments that left traumatizing and lasting impressions on who I am as a person today. Why does it even matter when I’ve made it this far and I am mostly okay? The brain is weird. The past is weird. Not being able to get rid of these memories is weird. Who would I be without them, though? Definitely not me.

It’s not even like it was my fault. I was mostly a product of my environment. I didn’t know how to be strong back then. I didn’t know I had other options.

The biggest things that I can”t shake from my mind happened during the years 2005-2009. All within 4 years– My parents got divorced. I started high school. We moved from my childhood home of 15 years. I had my “first love”, who turned out to be abusive and manipulative. I experience a countless amount of firsts during these years. My dad died. I graduated high school and had to figure out what the next step was. My brothers moved away. My mom started drifting away with her new freedom. I started having to teach myself how to be a person in the world based on what I knew at that point in my life. I didn’t have much to go off of, considering how confusing these years were for me. 

parents
My parent’s innocence captured on their wedding day. Before they could ever know what their futures or what their children’s futures held.

I made it out alive. I made it out a good person. I made it out a functioning adult. I met new people who helped me (mostly Scott, who has been my rock since 2010). I learned along the way. I don’t think what happened to me during those years will never not haunt me. 

Maybe right now I can’t stop thinking about it because the prospect of having my own kids is heavy on my mind. With that comes these feelings that I want so much more for them. I want them to never have to go through what I went through to become who they will be. I want their childhood and adolescence to be a hell of a lot easier than mine ever was. How do I ensure that? What if things get out of control again?

I made it out alive and stronger, but that doesn’t mean that if I could go back and change a couple things I wouldn’t. Sometimes I feel less than because of how weak I was back then. Not everyone had to go through a dramatic upbringing in order to become who they are now. But then again why am I even comparing myself to others?

One thought on “sometimes the past haunts me.

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