sometimes the past haunts me.

For some reason, recently I have been stuck thinking about things in the past that I obviously can’t change. Things that obviously made me who I am. Things that obviously suck but there is no reason to be crying over spilled milk at this point in my life. Maybe it is the hormones. Going on 9 weeks with a baby still inside me. 

It all seems so obvious,  yet I am still here digging up the time I wasted on someone who didn’t deserve my time, money, energy and love. I am reliving the moments that left traumatizing and lasting impressions on who I am as a person today. Why does it even matter when I’ve made it this far and I am mostly okay? The brain is weird. The past is weird. Not being able to get rid of these memories is weird. Who would I be without them, though? Definitely not me.

It’s not even like it was my fault. I was mostly a product of my environment. I didn’t know how to be strong back then. I didn’t know I had other options.

The biggest things that I can”t shake from my mind happened during the years 2005-2009. All within 4 years– My parents got divorced. I started high school. We moved from my childhood home of 15 years. I had my “first love”, who turned out to be abusive and manipulative. I experience a countless amount of firsts during these years. My dad died. I graduated high school and had to figure out what the next step was. My brothers moved away. My mom started drifting away with her new freedom. I started having to teach myself how to be a person in the world based on what I knew at that point in my life. I didn’t have much to go off of, considering how confusing these years were for me. 

I made it out alive. I made it out a good person. I made it out a functioning adult. I met new people who helped me (mostly Scott, who has been my rock since 2010). I learned along the way. I don’t think what happened to me during those years will never not haunt me. 

Maybe right now I can’t stop thinking about it because the prospect of having my own kids is heavy on my mind. With that comes these feelings that I want so much more for them. I want them to never have to go through what I went through to become who they will be. I want their childhood and adolescence to be a hell of a lot easier than mine ever was. How do I ensure that? What if things get out of control again?

I made it out alive and stronger, but that doesn’t mean that if I could go back and change a couple things I wouldn’t. Sometimes I feel less than because of how weak I was back then. Not everyone had to go through a dramatic upbringing in order to become who they are now. But then again why am I even comparing myself to others?