Lately I have been pretty uninspired to write much of anything. I feel like anything I want to get out of my head is mostly negative. I hate negative energy, don’t want to be putting out those vibes. I know I’ve written about it over and over again, but this is a really rough season in my life. I am learning a lot about myself, my marriage and my place in the world relative to those surrounding me. I don’t know what will pull me out of this slump. I guess that is obvious because if I did know I would jump right on that train.
The struggle is fucking real. I love my job, but it isn’t the position I want. I am not being challenged enough. I love my husband, but he has been in his own little world for what seems like months now. I love myself & body, but it isn’t doing what I want it to right now. These would be my main sources of grief.
I don’t know, maybe it is a control issue. I am use to feeling like I have control over all the aspects of my life. In regards to my job– I would gladly accept a new position if something that I wanted ever opened up. With my marriage– I have tried to communicate my wants and needs in the relationship and this point I just sound like a damn annoying broken record. Of course, with my body– I am trying my best to not stress but I can’t make it produce the baby I want.
My life style has never been more on point. I am eating good, sleeping good, consistently exercising, maintaining relationships, drinking less and slowing down in general. I guess what happens or what is happening, is I do all this stuff to improve my standard of living and I’ve just assumed happiness will follow and things will run smoothly. I am really good at over fucking analyzing everything. Time and time again I have heard and read that happiness isn’t a destination, it is the present. Why is it so hard for me to accept and explore that, right now?
How is it that I have all of this substance in my life, yet I am left feeling unfulfilled? I love my life, I absolutely love my life, but I can’t shake this feeling.