Up until this week I was in a dark lull. They don’t really tell you how draining it can be to try for a baby unsuccessfully and to keep trying. I’ve spent the last 5 months wondering what the heck I am doing. This isn’t a normal state of mind for me. Usually there is a plan, there is a goal and I am working towards it. Wanting something so bad and having little to no control over the outcome is mentally draining. It is teaching me patience and timing. Something I haven’t had to deal with since back in San Francisco, where I spent a lot of time persevering and dreaming of a time when I would finally be done juggling an education, full time job and long distance relationships with virtually every I knew and get to move back home.
The main thing that got me out of the dark lull that has consumed me for the previous 4 months, is the trip I took last weekend. I had the chance to attend Babes in the Dirt. Literally, an all female weekend camping and riding event out in Kern County, CA aka BFE. I tagged along with some coworkers. Everything about me doing this was out of my comfort zone. I have never rode my dirt bike with out my husband. I have never gone on any kind of trip with a group of girls that I barely know. I like to think of myself as a bad ass, but going into this weekend I realized I never really push the limits out of my comfort zone and into my fear zone. I had initially accepted the invite from my coworkers and signed up for the weekend thinking I would be pregnant by the time it rolled around. That would be my excuse to get out of the whole thing. Well April rolled around and I actually went through a chemical pregnancy/extremely early miscarriage the week prior to this event. The second round of unsuccessful pregnancy in a short 4 months– life goes on. I was looking for any excuse to get out of this adventure I’d been invited to, little did I know it would be the best thing for me at this point in my life and actually turn out to be exactly what I needed.
So as the weekend progressed, it was the perfect amount of girl pow wowing, empowerment, riding, drinking, learning about the industry I work in, and just plain fun. The weekend fed my soul in a way that I didn’t expect it to. I made new friends. I heard a lot of stories from the women in my industry that made me feel like this is where I am meant to be. I honestly just feel so happy that I have the opportunity to be apart of the motorcycle and motocross community. The ladies never made me feel inferior about my riding skills or knowledge versus theirs. They were always happy to wait up for me and encouraged me when I did something bad ass, that showed signs of my riding improvement as the weekend progressed. I don’t even really think they understand how grateful I feel for the love they showed me throughout the weekend.
I came home on Sunday feeling confident, accepted, empowered and full of soul food. I am so happy I didn’t let my fears control me. I am so happy that I found a group of strong, nice women that gave me a new perspective on life. Returning to work on Monday, I finally started to feel like a part of the tribe. As people approached me asking about how the weekend played out and acted genuinely excited for my riding adventure, a new vibe was created within me. Darkness comes into our lives to help us appreciate the light that much more. Last weekend’s showed me the darkness wasn’t here to stay.
Interestingly enough, about 5 months ago back in December, I wrote this blog post. I talked about how for a while now I had wanted to be a part of this community and culture. I just never had the opportunity. Well, I put the vibes out there and now look where I am. This has been a common occurrence in my life, putting things out into the universe and watching it return to me when the timing is right, is the main mindset I consistently live in.
After 4 months, I finally feel like I can take back control of my life. I am ready for whatever happens next. The time will be just right, as I let my patience prevail.