There is no baby. Kelly, there is no baby.
I spent my 3 day weekend home alone, repeating this mantra to myself. Unless you want to count my two dogs as being there for me. President’s weekend was my husband’s family and close group of friends 20th annual trip to the desert. I’ve only been around since the 14th annual. Of Course I was excited and I planned on going. We planned to tell our best friends who were also going about the baby news beforehand and I was going to spend the weekend “fake drinking” and enjoying my time at one of my favorite happy places.
Then, Thursday happened. We got the bad news. There really was no heartbeat. I deleted my last post on a impulse from my overwhelming disappointment in myself for being so excited so early on in the pregnancy. I debated about not even recording this moment in my life through this blog, but how could I not when I made this thing to share my honesty and my real . I’ve read over many, many blogs with similar stories of courageous women who have painfully shared their experience and knowledge on the sticky situation called miscarriage. I am so thankful for these women. #girlpower
I am having what they call a missed miscarriage. I don’t really want to get into the details but you can read about it at the link I posted in case you aren’t familiar with the term.
My initial feelings were disappointment, shock and denial. I researched so much about other peoples experiences with this diagnosis and didn’t know whether to think my doctor was correct or whether I was one of the small percentage of lucky people who were misdiagnosed and actual went on to have healthy babies. If you read into the subject, the only way to know for sure if the embryo has stopped growing apart from your doctors analysis on the growth and initial ultrasound– is all your pregnancy symptoms suddenly going away inexplicably.
Then the sadness kicked in. I didn’t even realize I was sad because believe it or not, my life is so great that I forgot what being sad felt like. I cried on and off for two days. I couldn’t even talk to my coworkers about mundane things on Friday without my eyes filling with tears. Yeah, Thursday after I found out the news in the late afternoon– I went back to work for 3 hours and then I went to work on Friday. I did what I know how to, I pushed on even though I felt like giving up. I was holding on to enough hope that the doctor was wrong, that it gave me the strength to make it to the weekend.
Once I was alone Friday and Saturday I allowed the tears to flow and the ice cream to be eaten. I cooked, I ate, I read, I ran, I loved on my dogs, I laid on the couch, I watch way too much Netflix & HBO, I went on a hike, I toured model homes, I got a tattoo, and all the while I repeated my mantra. There is no baby. Kelly, there is no baby. By Sunday I realized that all of my pregnancy symptoms had disappeared. The weeks prior I had constant, extreme nauseousness, my boobs were swallow and sore and I was the most tired I’d been in a while without exerting myself much more than I normally had been. By the time Scott came home Sunday for the short while before he left again on Monday for work– I felt okay. I felt like myself again.
Your mind is your most powerful weapon. It can either work with you or against you. You’re in the driver seat and although you are unable to control the outcome over any given situation– you can control the outcome of how that situation effects you.
I could have went on the annual desert trip for fear of disappointing my husband who still went on the trip. I could have been around people who loved me and I could have faked my mood and emotions in order to get out of the funk. Instead, I knew what I needed. What I needed was to ride the waves of this misfortune alone, in order to come out with a level head and a mindset that will keep me in a good place during the rest of this process that still won’t be over for a couple more weeks. If we are talking emotionally, who knows if and when it will ever end.
Maybe the universe needed to show me what it is to experience loss again. It’s been 8 years, last month since I lost my dad. Was also actually the same day we found out I was pregnant. This loss is different, it is easier but I wouldn’t say it is easy. Maybe it isn’t a lesson from the universe to be learned. Maybe sometimes things just don’t work out. I know for god damn sure that this has nothing to do with “God’s timing”– so do not try to comfort me with that. We will test our luck again soon and hopefully there will be a better outcome. I went into this pregnancy being mostly so happy with the timing of everything– but maybe timing isn’t a thing.