maybe i haven’t been completely honest.

Some days I am tired and overwhelmed. I find myself obsessively contemplating things out of my control. I find myself making naive assumptions. I often become self absorbed and selfish. I can be judgmental to those who are not so similar to myself. I get jealous of those whose lives seem better off then my own. I can’t always find the best in the situation even when I try my hardest. Some days I have it all together and some days I don’t.

Some nights I lay awake with regrets and a fixation on the past so deep it drives me mad. I don’t know how I will get through the next days, weeks, months and years. I lay awake wondering who I really am and how I got so far off the tracks. I consistently replay conversations and memories, in hopes I can figure out if it is me or if it is them that needs to change. I fantasize about making irrational decisions because I am tired and upset. Some nights it isn’t easy and I hold back tears before bed.

Sometimes I am not sure that the choices I’ve made are going to work out in my best interest. Sometimes marriage, dogs and settling down in one place doesn’t seem like it was the right decision. I worry about losing relationships that are dear to me because I introvert myself into my own life. Sometimes I’m afraid of becoming someone I don’t even recognize anymore, in the worst way. Sometimes I feel like I need to run away like an adolescent, rather than tough it out like a real adult.

I try my best to keep my karma on the good side. I try my best to appreciate every day. I write a lot on here about how wonderful things are and how optimistic I am about my current state and the prospects of the future. That isn’t entirely me.

I am human and once in a while I let the darkness creep in.