One of my favorite quotes from Dodie Smith.
I had a great weekend to say the least. I spent enough time at home and in my own bed to rejuvenate. I spent quality time with my dogs. I got a good work out in. I visited with my family 2 days in a row. Not a common event in my life. My older brother was down from Oregon so I got my priorities in order. I had a good time. I let out my more carefree side. The side of me that often gets shoved away and forgotten in the midst of all of lives “responsibilities”. AKA Adulting.
The pleasure did not come with out some new burdens bestowed upon my soul. The empathetic portions of my brain were on high alert and those feelings dribbled into Monday now that I am no longer surrounded by my family. My immediate family has a lot of “issues”, if you will.
My mother brought along her new boyfriend of 3 weeks. She was desperately trying to get our opinion on the man. Not like our opinion matters because she didn’t listen to us about the last guy, where the relationship ended in a restraining order. A song for another time. With out getting into it you’ll get the emotions that swirled through my core during and after the weekend encounters.
My middle brother, he bought one of those old Ford traveling vans with the extended roof thingy. Without going into much detail, a few months ago he may or may not have mentioned something about “how we would feel if he disappeared for a while” and “would we be willing to take care of his dog”. I mean I am not a psychic, but I feel like I know where this is going. This brother has suffered most of his live with a lot of mental health issues. So it is only natural for my mind to race with worry about where he may be a year from now. He currently lives 20 minutes from me.
My oldest brother. Our father figure. The glue. The glue that now happens to live 1,039 miles away. Slowly each time I see him it seems as though we have less and less to talk about. He is living his best life, while I try to live mine, but our ideals and our views seem to be more disconnected than ever. Honestly how do you even keep this from happening and persisting? Our generational and lifestyle gaps are not helping.
Up until this point in my life. August 13, 2017. I always wondered how there were these people who seemed to have had a significant relationship with their siblings and parents when they were younger but have since lost most contact and only see each other on holidays and other events. Families who all live in different states and don’t seem to feel any remorse about how it ended up this way. Not that I actually know that these people feel this way. Did I mention I can be super naive about some things?
Of course this would be my longest post to date. Eye Roll.
Just before dinner and the end to Sunday night the three of us even had to take a 20 minute siblings only break in the bathroom to discuss where our heads were at. After my great weekend I am left with an overwhelming feeling that I may end up being one of those people who at the age of 40 hardly knows my immediate family anymore. How do I rid myself of this sense of impending doom in my future?? I need to be a better sister, maybe all together a better person.