In case my title is deceptive… This isn’t some rant about the star spangled banner and the men and women who fight for our freedom, blah blah blah. #Merica I wanna write about the freedom within our own lives. The freedom we gain after our parents/guardians/SOs stop controlling our emotions and actions. Sadly some of you still haven’t gained that freedom.
What brought this post on? Well I had a nightmare, about my dad. Something that happens to me a little bit more frequently than I would like it to.
Without going into too much detail, I grew up with an alcoholic father that I was afraid of because of the control he thrust upon us. Although, he was never violent me, I did suffered emotionally from watching him be this way with the others in my immediate family. He also set really high expectations for us and sometimes as a kid it was hard to live up to them.
At age 15 my parents finally got divorced. It should have happened a lot sooner. My dad still tried to exert his control but it was far less, considering I only really saw him on the weekend. Then at age 18, as I was coming of age… My dad died unexpectedly in an accident.
Here comes a real moment of honesty… After seven years of living without my father and his control, I’ve realized that he had to die in order for me to truly live and become the person I needed and wanted to be. Seriously, one of the most tragic things and most valuable things to happen in my life. Is there a word for that kind of event?
Upon waking up from the nightmare last night, where my dad was on one of his rampages. Far worst and more vivid than I would have liked it to be. I had this deep feeling, as always after these kind of nightmares, that it was all real. I couldn’t believe at the age of 26 my dad was still trying to control my life. I finally realized this morning that this feeling in my gut, is the feeling of the loss of my freedom. The feeling that I no longer have control over my life. I must live the life my dad wants me to live and I don’t know how to break the news to my husband that everything we’ve been doing has to change because my dad is some how back. I regularly have super vivid dreams and I wake up thinking for that brief moment that it all was real.
It terrifies me, it cripples me. And then that brief moment goes away and I remember how happy I am and how different my life is these days. It was all a dream (in my Biggie Smalls voice).
The whole point of this is to say, I completely take my freedom for granted. Not my star spangled banner, declaration of independence bullshit freedom, but my actual freedom to be who I want to be and to decide what I want to do with my own being and the life I live. I hope one day y’all can free yourselves if you haven’t already. This is some thing I am definitely going to start appreciating more.
So here I am sending an ice cold, Coors Light cheers out to my dad, whose soul is wandering the cosmos or may be reincarnated into something beautiful. Thank you for the freedom. Although, I do miss you terribly.